I’ve had this post sitting in my drafts for awhile now. I’ve honestly been kind of scared to publish this. I guess because I feel ashamed to admit that I’ve struggled really bad with depression following my sons birth.

I wrote this post around the time of Robin Williams suicide and after reading all of the articles and hearing some people say how ‘depression isn’t a sickness’ I felt even more ashamed for being depressed.

People tell you “Oh being pregnant and having a child is so much fun and it’s so glorious!”

God forbid you admit to the world that you secretly hated being pregnant and that parenting a newborn and a toddler is so fucking hard sometimes you just wish you could go away…

I’m slowly getting better. and I want to share my story because more mothers need to be aware of postpartum depression.

Contrary to what some ignorant people may think real depression is a serious mental DISEASE.

I hated being pregnant because of how sick it made me, and I couldn’t wait to give birth to my son.

When the time finally came though, and I gave birth I was so emotionally drained and overwhelmed.

At first I thought it was just baby blues. You know a lot of mothers get that following birth. You’re on a crazy hormone roller coaster ride all throughout your pregnancy and soon after delivering all those hormones drop.

As days turned to weeks and weeks into months I started to feel more and more isolated from the world.

I had severe mood swings. One minute I would be fine and the next I would be throwing my laptop at my boyfriend or yelling for no absolute reason.

I had extreme guilt and shame. Especially on the days where all I wanted to do was sleep. I felt horrible because I have two little ones that I felt I couldn’t even take care of. It was that feeling of inqdeuquency that ate me up inside.

I lost interest in eating, and I didn’t want to hang out with any of my friends.

I kept hoping I would just ‘snap out of it’. That’s what most people tell you. “Oh stop being so over dramatic. You’ll snap out of it.”

I didn’t want to recognize what I was experiencing was postpartum depression (PPD) until I finally googled it and read stories from other moms. When I read the specific list of symptoms for PPD it hit me that what I was experiencing was not just baby blues and I wasn’t going to just snap out of it.

I can’t tell you how many times I lay on the bathroom floor sobbing wishing to just disappear.

I never had thoughts of harming my children, but I did have thoughts about harming myself. Whenever I did though I always thought about my two babies. Despite having horrible thoughts of harming myself I knew deep down in the bottom of my heart that it would be the ultimate let down for my children. To my kids I am their mommy and they NEED me.

There’s been days where I tell Bae I’m not feeling well and Neveah says,”It’s okay. I will take care of you mommy.”

This blog was a way for me to cope with my depression without directly talking about it.

It really has helped me tremendously. Writing has been therapeutic. I’m still not 100% back to my old self and I recognize that. I finally had the courage to speak with my doctor about it. I’ve made it very clear though that I don’t want to be on medication for depression just yet.

Counseling and natural supplements is my first route. If I don’t feel an improvement then I will consider taking meds.

I know for a lot of people with depression medications help them and that’s great. From personal experience as a teen I was put on Prozac which only furthered my depression in my teenage years that is why I am strongly against medications. I also don’t like to have a dependency on prescription drugs. I would like to be able to live my life without having to take a pill in order to get by through the day.

I get anxiety every time I look at this post sitting in my drafts, so I’m just going to publish it rather than trash it because I know how helpful reading this could be to some mother out there.

“Successful mothers are not the ones who have never struggled.

They are the ones who never give up, despite the struggles.”

For other facts and helpful resoucrces you can check out postpartum.net

Disclaimer: This post is in no way shape or form meant to be a self diagnosis for postpartum depression. If you or someone you knew may be struggling with PPD, I encourage you to seek medical advice from a qualified health physician. 

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